How Changing Your Behavior Can Change Your Marriage

By Dr. Morgan Ellis, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

After years of working with couples, I've come to believe one of the most powerful truths about relationships is also one of the hardest to accept: you can’t control your spouse—but you can change the way they respond to you by changing the way you show up.

Many couples walk into my office with a similar dynamic: both partners waiting for the other person to change. But the reality is, relationships are feedback systems. When you shift your behavior, even subtly, the entire system shifts. It’s not manipulation—it's emotional leadership.

Let me share a few behavior changes that I’ve seen radically improve marriages—changes that you can make, regardless of what your spouse is doing right now.

1. Speak to Be Heard, Not Just to Vent

Many people express feelings in a way that pushes their partner away—through criticism, sarcasm, or volume. If you want your spouse to respond with empathy, then speak in a way that invites it.

Change to Try: Use “I” statements and describe how you feel rather than what your spouse is doing wrong. For example, say “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend time together,” instead of “You never make time for me.”

This lowers defensiveness and opens the door to collaboration rather than conflict.

2. Give Before You Ask

It's easy to get caught up in what you're not getting from your partner—attention, appreciation, affection. But consider flipping the script. Start offering what you wish to receive, consistently and sincerely.

Change to Try: If you want more affection, initiate it with warmth. If you want more appreciation, offer gratitude freely.

When one person starts showing up generously, it often inspires the same in return. Emotional investment tends to be contagious.

3. Shift from Blame to Curiosity

One of the most damaging behaviors I see is assumption—assuming your spouse's intent, thoughts, or feelings, usually through a negative lens. “He just doesn’t care.” “She’s always trying to start a fight.”

What would happen if you got curious instead?

Change to Try: Next time you're hurt or frustrated, pause and ask, “Help me understand what you were thinking when you said that,” instead of reacting with accusations.

Curiosity keeps dialogue open. Blame slams it shut.

4. Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Triggers

We all have wounds and emotional reflexes formed long before we met our partners. But expecting our spouse to walk around our emotional landmines without ever misstepping is unrealistic.

Change to Try: Identify your recurring triggers—abandonment, rejection, control—and own them. Say, “I realize I get anxious when I feel ignored, and I’m working on managing that better.”

This level of emotional maturity invites your partner to do the same.

5. Practice Repair, Not Perfection

Conflict is inevitable. What matters more than avoiding fights is how you handle the aftermath. Many couples never fully repair after an argument—they just move on, leaving resentment to quietly calcify.

Change to Try: After tension has cooled, take initiative. Say something like, “I don’t love how that conversation went. I want us to get better at fighting fairly. Can we talk about what didn’t work?”

When one partner consistently models repair, the other often follows suit.

6. Be the Calm in the Storm

In emotionally charged moments, your nervous system influences your partner’s more than you realize. If both of you escalate, you’re stuck. But if you can remain grounded, it creates space for both of you to reset.

Change to Try: When you feel anger rising, take a break. Breathe. Come back later when you can speak calmly.

Being a calming presence is one of the most powerful behaviors you can adopt—and it often transforms the dynamic of a conflict instantly.

Final Thought: Small Shifts, Big Impact

These changes don’t require your partner’s immediate cooperation. That’s what makes them powerful. They’re within your control—and when you shift your part of the equation, you inherently shift theirs, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Is it fair to always go first? Maybe not. But in strong relationships, fairness isn’t the goal—connection is. And someone has to lead.

So ask yourself, with honesty and compassion: How is the way I behave shaping the way my spouse responds to me? The answer could be the beginning of real transformation.